Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
