I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
