Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
