I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
