u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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