Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
