but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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