I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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