I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
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