Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
