i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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