She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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