take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
