That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
