well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
