"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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