Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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