how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
