I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
