I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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