...so i touched it.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You are a genius and a whore.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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