i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
That accounts for only three of the penises
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
