the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.