I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."