Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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