i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
