i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
