my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i will never coherently bang her
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
