i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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