So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Im part way to drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
