If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
