You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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