I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
