i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
