trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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