When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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