I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
