Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
