Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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