I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
