Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
