The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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