nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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