he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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