Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
