When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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