Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
