I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
