my phone needs a breathalizer
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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