i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
