GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just pee around me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
