also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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