i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
