How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
