So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
