omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
